Well, here goes. I do not honestly know if anyone will read this. I would love it, but my purpose of doing this is really to get my thoughts out. Hopefully, through this process, I will find others like me. Right now, however, I am feeling very alone in how I perceive myself. Hence, the title of my blog.
Invisible. Unnoticed. Out of view. These are just a few descriptors that I currently have for myself. They come from how I believe that I fit into the world. They also come from how I feel that I am isolating myself now. Avoiding social interactions. My feeling of wanting to be invisible also comes from my feeling that my quietness and the way I look makes others uncomfortable. Therefore, I think it's easier for me to just make myself invisible. I don't know if I am explaining myself well. Let me give an example.
Yesterday my family and I were invited to a pool party at a very prestigious and ritzy hotel in Southern Orange County. I have been to another pool party there about a year ago, and felt so incredibly uncomfortable. It is not my world. That is not to say that it is a bad world, but it is not my world. I felt that being there and not feeling comfortable enough to go in the pool would just make others uncomfortable. For starters, I am nowhere near the body type to appear in pools in that area. Secondly, most of the people there, and yes I am generalizing, have probably never really understood what it means to struggle financially. I just can't relate. So, my husband and two kids went. I had a rare quiet day to myself at home, which was really needed. However, if I was thin, would I have felt differently? Would I have gone?
One of the main reasons that I want to be invisible is because I am overweight. At least 60 pounds overweight in the normal world. In the South Orange County world, I would say that I would need to lose at least 100 pounds. Luckily, I live in the Northern part of Orange County, which is a little more forgiving. The cause of this? Pregnancy, lack of exercise, stress eating, "secret" eating, and eating the wrong foods. As I start this blog, however, I am also starting a weight loss program. I also bought a treadmill that is sitting right in my living room. My goal is to walk/jog at least one hour total every day.
Here my reality, however. I really don't have the option to be "invisible". I am a public school teacher. I have two children who are involved in activities that I need to support. I have a husband with a job that requires my support. I want to be proud to be seen at work, with my family, and in my community. Right now, I feel ashamed. I feel that I have failed myself. This is not a pity party, nor is it a cry for help. This is not anybody's fault. I am still trying to understand what it is exactly.
That's all for now. I hope this wasn't completely confusing!
